The picture above is where I was a year ago today. It was actually the 14th that I was told that I was or had been having a heart attack and they did the heart cath and put 3 stents in an artery that was bypassed 5 1/2 years earlier...yeah, it didn't make sense to me until after it was explained to me for the third time the following May.
On the 12th of January a year ago, I was walking around Venice Beach having a heart attack. Today when I walked outside and it was -1 degree, I would've traded this day for that one in a heart beat...um, no pun intended.
Anyway, there's a long emo blog about it on my myspace, so I won't go into all of that, but for the last year I have pondered the title of this blog and have started a blog about it several times and didn't finish it.
I've had 2 heart attacks, 3 bypasses, 4 stents and a carotid endarterectomy, oh and a laparoscopic cholecystectomy, since I turned 40! Mama always said...life begins at 40! But Mama never told me there'd be days like these.
No, I don't eat right, I don't exercise and I still smoke...yes, I need my ass kicked.
So, "what do you do?" I asked myself.
I better say my good-byes.
Tell my children I love them. Tell them I'm sorry for all the things I did that made their lives suck. Tell them how proud I am of the things they've accomplished and the people they've become, in spite of a lot of bad choices on my part.
Tell my parents thank you for a million things. Tell them I love and respect them more than I have or could ever show or tell them.
Tell my siblings I love them and I'm sorry for the times we've grown apart and gone so long without seeing or talking to each other...for no other reason than just where life takes us.
Tell Samantha to make sure that Jeremy always knows that I love him and I can't even begin to explain the happiness that he has brought to my life.
Tell Kati...this one is too complicated to explain because some of my thoughts were before she was even here...
Better get my estate in order...oh wait, I don't have anything.
Better make my last wishes known...I want Amazing Grace played at my funeral. I want a white hearse...
WAIT...Am I just going to sit around and wait to die? I'm not done yet...I have plans...lots of plans...better make a bucket list (I'll make that another blog) and I better get started, because you just never know.
You know that saying...Live Each Day As If It's Your Last...BULLSHIT! How do you do that? If I was living today as if it were my last, I damn sure wouldn't be going out in -1 degrees to go to work. Most times, tomorrow DOES come! I think next time a bill collector calls me, I'm going to tell him, "Oh sorry, but I was living each day as if it was my last and that didn't involve making money or paying bills."
Anyway, this rambling blog really has no closure. I'm working towards some of my plans and enjoying life more...really...I know it sounds lame, but now I treasure even my boredom.
Life goes on...until you die.
Watch for my Bucket List blog.
2 comments:
Does that bucket list until a very soon trip to Venice Beach (minus the heart attack please)?
I LOVE YOU HIPPIE SISTER!
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
~James Dean
(I think it's more of the spirit of the saying-treating people as if it could be the last time you see them, leaving as little as possible undone if you can get it done today, doing things with the least possible regret, etc.)
I think "live today to the fullest" and "do not worry about tomorrow" is better than living as it were your last. I have to believe destiny plays some part in our lives...not meaning to do dangerous things because you are going to die at a certain time anyhow, but that to some extent what paths we take plays a part in our destiny. At some point we have lived out our part on this earth. I would bet that most of the 151 people on the plane that crashed into the Hudson River today believe that it was not their time to die.
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"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. " ~Richard Bach
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